Everyone has Valentine’s Day horror stories and the topic seems to be on everyone’s mind these days. It has been nearly a decade since I last celebrated the occasion, my two previous boyfriends being of the selfish jackass variety. Of course, I have to hand it The Poltroon for his absurd reason for not getting me anything for Valentine’s Day. You see he believed that he should not be forced by society (or the man) into expressing any sort of emotion in regards to another human being. He believed that the one time he picked up some old clothes at a thrift shop for a quilt I was creating was tantamount to a declaration of love and much more telling than having to spend more than $12 for some flowers. After such a display of affection why should he be forced to celebrate Valentine’s Day in addition.
While my exes managed to weasel out of the holiday, I do believe that my friend Emmy received the worst Valentine’s Day gift. Her ex could compete admirably with mine for the title of Louisville Most Selfish Bachelor. She received a dildo that he had made himself in exact replicate of himself. Any man who thinks this is a good idea, it is not. It is not romantic. It is egotistical in the extreme.
Cyrano believes that Valentine’s Day is just about women. The girl’s only obligation is to act very grateful for anything the guy does and then give him a blow job.
I like the idea of Valentine’s Day. I think it is nice idea to want to take a day out of your life to celebrate your relationship. Relationships need work. It is not about buying things, but acknowledging your relationships. However, if your girlfriend has ever had to suffer the indignity of being the only women in an office not to receive flowers, you better send some freakin’ flowers.
My favorite Valentine’s Day was about three years ago, before The Poltroon. It was a Saturday and I spent the day alone with my boys. I made some brownies and drank a bottle of red wine. It was so good.
As for this year we will just have to wait and see, what the day brings.
I am allergic to sperm. I am not allergic to it if it gets on my skin, my hair, my eye, or even in my mouth, but allergic I am none the less. I did not know about this allergy until recently due to all the years of practicing safe sex practices. wink wink Anyway, I won’t give you all the gross details but it has something to do with chemistry: bases, acids, ph levels and other such nonsense. All I know is that it very annoying and for a girl with my new hobbies damn inconvenient.
There have been all these articles of late about how pure today’s teens are. I am sorry, but if you have blown 50 guys by the time you are 18 and take it the ass regularly, you are not pure and certainly not a virgin.
However, I think I will be buying this t-shirt from Wait Wear.
While for the most part I am over the poltroon, I still miss him. I think that I need to write about him finally so that I can move on. He did not like me to write about him, because I think he was afraid that I would reveal his sex secrets. I am not sure why it mattered, his last girlfriend described their sex life on a billboard on I-65. Besides he was rather conventional, truth be told, except for that one really freaky thing. Anyway, so why is he a coward? Basically we got into a political debate (fight) one night at the Applebees (the nicest restaurant he ever took me) and he got mad at me and then refused to ever talk to me again. “I just can’t talk to you.” It was our first and only fight. Only 12-year olds and he think that just never calling is an acceptable way to end a relationship. I loved him and he did not even like me enough to even talk to me. I have left out the part of the story that is really awful.
So when I start to miss him, I try to remind myself what a selfish asshole he is. This list is just a sampling.
I just want to forget him. I just want to make it through a day and not want him back.
I spent years alone when I first moved to Louisville. I am use to being myself. Now I hate being alone, but I hate the thought of dating even more. I do not want to have to be charming. I am not interested in hearing some loser’s lame stories.
For the last 2 months, I have been in this back and forth with the boyfriend. The relationship was over a long time ago but he is a bit craven and was dragging things out. I finally had it with his poltroon behavior and ended it with him. I was more than patient in trying to work things out, but there comes a time when you have to just move on.
Now I am on the look out for a boy or two four who know how to tie a good knot.
This week on Good Morning America is scorned women who get revenge. You can bet your ass that I got the TiVo all set up.
I am not very jealous my nature, but am given to bouts of insanity that I believe to be brought on by changes in the Earth’s magnetic energy. For the sake of this discussion, lets pretend I have a boyfriend named Tom, any resemblance Tom has to any boyfriend I have had in the past or may have currently is purely coincidental. If Tom would have sexual contact with a woman other than myself this in itself would not cause me become jealous. However, here are a few factors that would cause me to become insane with jealousy.
Isn’t Tom a lucky guy?
In the row next to me are the company engineers. One of them is getting married in two weeks and right now they are trying to determine the correct stripper to guy ratio for the bachelor party this weekend. They started with a 1 to 1 ratio, but decided that would be cost prohibitive and 1 stripper to 10 guys was nowhere near enough stripper. They have decided that if they hire the strippers for 2 hours of entertainment, then they could get by with a 1:5 ratio, thus allowing for a stripper rotation. The guy directly opposite of me is really pushing hard for the 1:2 ratio as he feels the additional variety of stripper would reduce the likelihood of getting stuck with an ugly stripper and greatly increase the quality time one can spend getting know the strippers.
One of the best dates I ever went on was at Walmart. We spent hours playing hide and seek at the local walmart. This does not look like as much fun.
Tonight, I boxed up my porn and sex toy collection so that I could make room for more yoga clothes in my bedside dresser.
I do not know why I did not think of this when I was unattached, but strip clubs are the perfect place to pick up men. Last weekend, I was at one of our local gentlemen’s clubs with a few friends. I was standing watching a trashy looking blond (I have a thing for trashy looking blonds) writhe around the stage with my friend C. Now C has many things going for her, but the most impressive is her ability to wrap her legs behind her neck and her tits are bigger than mine. Anyway, as we were standing there these two guys approached and started chatting us up. They were good-looking, funny and one was delightfully twisted, but all I could think was where were you when I spent 3 fucking years without a date. Then I remembered where they weren’t: In the house I never left.
I saw this question in an ad for some website which I can’t remember and had to think real hard because this is something that I might do. I am pretty sure that I have not.
Me: I don’t think I love him
HereIType: You totally love him. That is the only reason I don’t hate him. If you didn’t love him you would see him for the shitty boyfriend that he is.
I have always had problems with my left nipple ring. It has never healed right and it would often bother me. Last week, I noticed that it looked like it was growing out of my nipple and I decide it needed to come out. So, I asked B to remove it for me. He went to garage and got two pairs of pliers, but I trusted him, so I was not overly nervous. He grabbed hold of each side of the ring with the pliers and opened the ring up. It did not hurt at all, so he thought that he would make the opening larger to make it easier to remove. He pulled the pliers apart again and proceeded to rip my nipple ring out, tearing my nipple. It hurt so bad all I could do was stand there and laugh. However, I do believe that I hit him and he does feel really bad.
Last night, I went to the local community library meeting and met the new branch librarian. She was an attractive woman about 35 or so, but she obviously had breast augmentation surgery. She was sitting directly across from me and had on a very low cut shirt. I could not help but stare at this woman’s chest. It had mesmerized me. I knew that I was staring and kept trying to look elsewhere, but my eyes kept going back to her huge tits. I have been on the receiving end of this kind of attention before, but I usually don’t notice. Eventually the librarian noticed my fascination with her breasts and I think started to get uncomfortable. Eventually I had to turn my chair so that I was sitting sidewise and could not stare.
"If it would make you feel better you can come over and watch me wash my car."
I was asking The BF for a favor earlier today, when he teasingly asked “What I am going to get for this?” It suddenly hit me that I have no bargaining power. My lack of sexual inhibition is a bad thing. If I accidentally scratch his truck, I can’t say “You know that one thing you want to do…”, because 3 weeks ago I thought that thing sound like a great fun. What this really means is that I am going to have to get more deviant and hold it back. So if I do something naughty in future, I can say “I am so sorry. Oh, I forgot to tell you that Inga and Freya, you remember them? Those innocent twin 18-year old blonds, I met the other day. Well, they need a place to sleep tonight. I am so sorry.”
First let me say that everything I know about the act of fellatio I learned from Cyrano, so blame him if I got something wrong. Granted, I have never been within 1000 miles of him, but he still has been a great help.
Due to my self-imposed celibacy and my jaw reconstruction, I forgot how to suck cock. It had been over 6 years. So to re-educate myself I figured I should ask my male friends rather than my female friends. During my inquires, I found out that there are still some women who will not give head. I first thought this might just be a Louisville thing, as most of the women here are twits, but it turns out this is a national thing. A small percentage of women all over the country do not want a cock in their mouth. What is the problem? All I can say is don’t be surprised when your man cheats on you.
What I learned is basically to use a lot of spit, show some enthusiasm and make eye contact. Cyrano sent me about a gig of video clips to illustrate these points. I also learned all about cockgagging. Cockgagging is hot, but just don’t overdo and end up throwing up. That is not hot. Trust me on this one.
Now for the spit, swallow or facial debate. If you have some deep emotional problems that make you incapable of swallowing I suggest you go into therapy. I don’t get it, but if you are going to spit I think the only way to do this is the porn star way. And that is to spit it out so that it dribbles down you chin. In my opinion, your choice is either to swallow or let him come on your face. The choice is really determined by circumstances. For instance, did you just take a shower? Swallow. It is dark and no one can see? Swallow. Are you about to go out? Facial. Your boyfriend is really mad at you? Facial.
Here are few misc. notes. Vodka makes cum taste awful. Whisky on the other hand makes everything better. Come does not keep, it must be consume immediately.
I have had received many questions recently from men who want to know how to get commitment free sex. Why this question is posed to me, I have no idea. Sex with me is never free and most find the pound of flesh I take is not worth it. However, here is my advice on the matter. If you are one of the following:
A. Extraordinarily hot
B. An amazing fuck
C. Exceedingly wealthy
D. Really funny
You can get commitment free sex. Those who do not possess any of the above attributes must either work really hard to gain one of the above or shut the fuck up and get over yourself. Why would a woman want to have mediocre sex with some loser who thinks he is too good for her and is just waiting around for someone better?