Sarah Space

Humorless Shrew

I don’t consider myself funny, but I do think that I am rather amusing. I can engage in witty repartee with the best of them. So when today it occurred to me that some among my acquaintances question whether I have sense of humor, I was surprised. People laugh quite bit when I am around. I am amusing in the extreme!

However, I can acknowledge that I do not get “boy” humor at all. I do not find jokes about bodily functions or gay jokes all that funny. I do not like to make fun of others; I much prefer to make jokes at my expense. Often in a group of laughing men, the joke must be explained to me. I am use to being teased by those who share my sense of humor and can give and take easily. However, I have no idea how to respond to teasing by what seem to me as mean spirited men.

I am quite upset about this. I do not like how this makes me an outsider. I do not want to seem like a dull dog, I just do not know how to participate.

Oh, fuck them. I am funny goddamn it.

The Return

I have been convinced to come back. I stopped blogging because I felt that people in my real life were making way too much of it. I felt uncomfortable. Well, it turns out most of the people who made a big deal of my blog don’t really like me, so what do I care anyway. Actually, I care a lot, but I am ignoring it. I miss it too much.

Hook ‘em Horns!

Good Day

It is always a good day when you wake to a message implying you are a whore.

Crazy vs. Thin

My cold is gone and while I am not nearly as crazy, unfortunately, my appetite came back. If have to choose between crazy or weight gain, crazy wins every time. After all, I don’t mind being crazy, it is everyone else who has to deal with me who mind.

A Tip from Sarahspace to You

Never take several kinds of cold medicine and then send out emails to friends, co-workers or boys. When your head starts spinning might be a good time to put down the computer and go to bed.

When I am feeling sad, I know that there are two things that will always bring a smile to my face, Pasha and Nietzsche.

I am only 261 pages into the newest Diana Gabaldon book becuase I am reading it as slow as possible. I do not want the story to end.

Broken Bone II

I think I may have broken another bone. I go back to the doctor on Monday for more X-rays, so I will find out then. The elbow feels much better, but right above my wrist really fucking hurts. It feels funny when I poke it too. I do not want to admit what I was doing right before it started hurting, because you will think I am moron or maybe more of a moron.

Fat Girl Hand

Not only do I have wear frumpy clothes because I can button or zip anything and have to walk around with my hair all crazy looking because I can’t style it, but now I am swelling up like a balloon. I woke this morning with a fat girl hand. Not sure what that is all about, but I am not going to another doctor.

This is like 4 times the size of my normal hand. It is a monster hand.

It’s broke

I broke my elbow in 2 places and sprained my wrist.

At least, I have vicodin.

Getting better all the time.

Tonight, I fell down the basement stairs. Well, just the bottom 5 stairs. I had been carrying boxes of books downstairs all night. When I went to take down an empty picnic basket and a bottle of fabric softener, I was turned slightly and slipped on a step. I tumbled down to the bottom and hit the concrete floor on my left arm. Truck was already down stairs and he came running over and started checking me out. He was licking my arm, probably preparing to eat me if I died. Pasha was at the top of steps crying. I laid there for a minute, trying to figure out if I was alright. I was immediately sore, but I could move my arm around, so I thought I was okay. After about 30 minutes, I could not lift my arm or straighten it. Now if I move at all it hurts. I made a sling of out some fabric. I hope it is just badly bruised, but right now I just want the pain to go away.

Typing with one hand really sucks.

Isolation Mode

I am in isolation mode right now. At first I was just in shock. I just could not believe my boyfriend just disappeared and I was going out to keep my mind off it. Then I was moving and changing jobs and I was too busy. Now, I am just really sad and don’t want to go anywhere. I promise this isolation won’t last 18 months like with the last boyfriend. Maybe, just a few weeks.

If you want to talk me, too bad

The move went okay. I did not get everything moved, but I am going to hire movers for the last few items. The horrible thing is that I have no phone or internet. My cell phone belonged to my old company and I turned that in. My home phone and internet was supposed to be turned on Friday, but they turned the phone on at the wrong house. This caused me to have to spend the first 90 minutes of my new job on the phone with Bellsouth trying to get the problem corrected. I can live without a phone, (no one calls me anyway) but no internet is killing me. They told me they would fix the problem today, or sometime in the next 2 weeks.

Update on my drama

I am packing up all my belongings all myself, because I do not like people going through my stuff unless they are strangers.

My last week of work is crazy with things breaking and such.

My kitchen sink is still broken.

My parents are coming this weekend and I hate it when they visit. They complain that my house is filthy and my dogs are monsters.

A Sarahspace factoid

Sarahspace is the queen of over reaction.

I did it. I really did it.

I cut my hair. 10-inches gone. I can’t stop crying. Not just because I look a little too much like Judith Miller, but because I had this stupid fantasy about my hair. You see I did not want to cut my hair until after I got married. I know it is stupid, but I can’t help it. Cutting my hair is me acknowledging the chances of me ever getting married are very small indeed. I am a spinster. I have reached the point where I have given up all my girlish dreams of love. Who needs love when there is Truck and Jack Daniels?

The Injury Ward

I took a day of vacation today because Truck and I were both injured. Truck sprained his ankle. The vet gave him a dose of steroids. I sewed my finger with the sewing machine and it is all swollen and hurts REALLY bad.

We are both doing fine because we are loaded up on baby aspirin.

Privacy Fence

The neighbors put up a privacy fence and I cannot be happier about it. Now the boys can no longer see the road, thus no barking at passing dogs. But the real reason I am happy about it is that now I can go outside in whatever state of dress I want.

Sarahspace, Artist

About 3 months ago, several people who know me well called me out on the lies that I have been telling myself and everyone else for the past few years. They pointed out the lame excuses I have been telling everyone about why I stay in Louisville. I have no career; I just have jobs. The ability to make database queries run really fast is not something that I want to build my life around. My attraction to men who don’t like me is no longer amusing, but pathetic and tiresome. My preference for my own company has only isolated me and allowed me to justify my self-destruction. Now, I have heard all this before, but for some reason this time it stuck and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. Since then I have lost weight, kept my house clean, balanced my checkbook, spent most of my work time working, and been generally more focused than I have ever been.

When I was in high school and college, I fancied myself something of an artist. I toted my paints and brushes with me through my many moves ignoring them so that I could focus on sham of a career. After my reality check, I got the brushes out again and bought new paint, but I was no longer comfortable with them. It occurred to me that I am much more comfortable with fabric and thread. So every night, I go home and have been creating (what I consider to be) art with the hundreds of yards fabric I have collected in my sewing room. For some time I have been making quilts and other little sewing projects, but now I am working with dyes, paint, metals and plastics. I put down special carpet so that Truck can sleep at my feet (Pasha prefers to be outside keeping the squirrels away) and work much too late into the night. And much to my own surprise, I am actually happy.

I have no plans to quit my job and become a starving artist, because my day job allows me to buy whatever I want in support of my new creative outlet. Also I need a better sewing machine and I could have bought a new Saturn for less than a good German sewing machine costs these days. In my own head, I consider myself a dog mom and a fiber artist. Of course, I have not said this out loud to anyone. So while I still enjoy my work, I no longer feel a need to over-achieve at work. If get promoted at work my life not change in any way.

All of this has given me a confidence in my future that has been lacking for many years. I know that I have some hard decisions still ahead of me, but I am not ignoring them anymore.