Who do I have to fuck to get this job?

(thanks sarah belle for the link)

I sent my boys off with a pair of Irish lesbians to go stay at their horse farm. I hope they don’t do anything to embarrass me or kill any horses.

Some women get flowers

Yesterday I received the following and it was not even my birthday:

I deny it

A large portion of my life is hazy and I have done many shameful things, but you can be goddamn sure that I have never ever canoodled.

I’m bored.

I don’t want to work, I just want to lie back in my comfy chair and look out my windows at the rain.

Send me emails! IM me, now! And somebody get me some coke!

What we do for love

Why did I agree to go to Ann Arbor with HereIType this week? It is cold and rainy there. Oh, I remember! The possibility of sex with college boys.

An evening out Sarahspace style

I had invited my friend G over Sunday night for dinner and to spend some time with the boys. G actually likes my dogs. Instead of going to the market, I decided to lie abed most of the day while IB entertained me. So when G arrived I informed him we were going out for dinner to my new favorite restaurant, Applebee’s. It is your neighborhood grill and bar afterall. G did not want to go, he is too cool for such places, but I assured him it would okay and that I would not tell anyone he went there.

G was forgetting his skepticism of the place as we made fun of the crappy pop music I love, people who drink alcoholic beverages that contain chocolate, and the other patrons of the restaurant. Now what happened next just goes to show you what kind of place Applebee’s is. G’s dad and step mom walked in for dinner. G tried to claim that he was only eating there because of me, but he was already spotted. We got dessert which restored the glory of Applebee’s in G’s eyes.

Every time G and I go out he suggests we go to a movie, every time I tell him no. For some reason, I agreed this time. I think G was hoping to see Dawn of the Dead, but there was no way I was going to see it. I wanted to see Starsky and Hutch. Owen Wilson is just dreamy. G was once again not pleased with my choice, but really he should have expected it. The movie was really funny and G agreed it was a good choice.

By then end of the evening he had to admit that my taste is not that bad, but he did say “crappy pop music follows you around like the plague” which he seemed to think was a bad thing. I think Rick Springfield songs following me through life is a good thing.

In which I get ready

This weekend, I had a date. I know! 2 weekends in a row of men, a sure sign of the approaching apocalypse. This boy man even picked me up at my house and drove. I believe the last date I went on where the boy came to my house and drove was 13 years ago with “The One”. Good precedent I think, but that meant I had to clean the house. My house looks like a pottery barn that has been converted into a kennel. It is not uncommon to find muddy paw prints on what remains of the couch, the coffee table, or the walls. It is simply not suitable for human company.

Well instead of cleaning up my place like I should have, I opted to sleep for 16 hours on Friday night and spend all day Saturday shopping. I figured instead of doing laundry I could just buy something new to wear. I was looking for something that I could wear my black bra with since it “lifts AND separates” but could find nothing. It was 5:30 pm when I decided to give up and just wear something I already owned. My date was coming at 7:30, the house was still a sty and I had to do laundry. I was able to get the living room, dining room, and bathroom presentable, but not exactly clean. All other rooms I just shut the door. I had hoped to be able to get to the bedroom, just to keep my options open, but that was just not possible. Besides this is Louisville, if you invite a boy to spend the night on the first date you are a whore. My lack of housekeeping skills is a virtue, it keeps me from being a whore.

By 7:25, I was ready to go except for my jeans which were still in the dryer. I had just started cleaning the kitchen when I heard a knock at the door followed by deafening barking, which thankfully covered my exclamation of “Fuck” for I had no pants on. I found a towel, wrapped it around my waist, grabbed the hounds and opened the door. I am still amazed that I did not drop the towel.

The boy man is a gentleman, unlike most of them men I date who would have had that towel off me in 3 minutes, he pretended not to notice or be annoyed that I was not ready. He pretended not notice that my kitchen floor is covered in mud. He pretended not to notice that Truck sat in front of me staring at him maliciously. It could have been worse.

I want to buy a house again. I think it is the weather. Some thing about the spring makes homeownership seem less oppressive. I think I may be growing up too, the circus is in town and I have not once thought about running away with them. It could also be because Midlife is buying a new house. I called my new realtor this morning and ask him to look around for me; the old one is persona non grata due to some cattiness on my part. Someone please help me remember why buying a house is a bad idea.

Apprentice Love

Amy, Amy, Amy. Good strategy but you picked the wrong fucking boy. I understand. Who has not been distracted by a handsome redhead? But Bill is the one you should be gettin’ it on with. He is going to win this this thing.

I just got a call from the dog sitter. Apparently, I no longer have a couch. Truck has been mad at me since I came back from Dallas. I am going to Ann Arbor next week and could not get the boys into the pet hotel, so I was going to have the dog sitter come by a few times a day and have a friend stop by at night. I don’t know what I am going to do now.

See, I don’t hate children

During my morning ritualistic trip to Starbucks where I get a latte and prepare myself for a day of commiting evil in the name of capitalism, I encountered a small boy child. He had on overalls and smelled like baby shampoo. He placed his grubby little hand on my thigh and then grabbed on to my pants. When I looked down at him, he realized I was not his mamma. He started to look upset so I knelt down to speak to him and mesmerize him with my eyes. (I can mesmerize small children and dumb animals with my freakishly large eyes.) Together we located his mama who was putting a half gallon of sugar in her coffee around the corner. I did not say anything bitchy to her, I did not call child protective services, I did not scream about the dirty palm print on my new pants. See I like children.

Turtles

I fell asleep last night with the television on and sometime during the night a commercial for The Newport Aquarium came on. I heard the words “turtle exhibit” and woke up. Apparently they are extending their turtle exhibit. I knew nothing about any turtle exhibit, thank god for this bit of luck or I might have missed it. I am not a huge fan of fish; they don’t seem to have a lot of personality. I went to the aquarium when it first opened and found it boring. They only had like 3 turtles, but this says they have over 23 different kinds of turtles. Imagine that! I can’t go until April 17, I hope I can wait. I love turtles. I bet I can buy all sorts of turtle related items in the gift shop too.

Nerd Humor

Top 10 Database Administrator Pick-up Lines

I just love replicating!
Let's get together and cluster.
Can I do a bulk log insert?
Wanna' do an explicit join on this column?
Let me show you my long integer and see if you're my data type.
Look, my index is ascending!
Wanna' pad my fill factor?
Check out the size of this log.
Will you grant me permission to execute my procedure?
Let's create a persistent connection.

To me this is really funny. The guys from my former place of employment came up with this. Sometimes I really miss them, they are so funny.

A little bit of heaven

I'll be the first to admit that there aren't many things that I know much about. The one area that I do consider myself an expert in is frozen beverages. If its red, cold, self-serve and sold at gas stations, I drink it. Icees, Slurpees, Slush Puppies. . .they're all good, but for me, the Icee is the undisputed leader in the frozen beverage category. The meningeal irritation thing is kind of a pain in the ass, though.

This post was completely plagiarized from cat-daddy, why should I write something new when he has already said it. I think meningeal irration is fancy doctor speak for brain freeze.

The Weekend

I had a very nice weekend. It was not fun, it was not exciting, but it may be have been the best weekend I had in years. We ate Mexican food, took short trips to nature, did a little shopping, played with some random dog and slept a lot. I have not spent any significant time with this particular gentleman friend in over 8 years, but I can not describe level of contentment I felt being with him. It felt we had only been apart for 8 days. I think he is “The One”, but I am just going to pretend that is not the case so I can make it through the rest of my life.

My new work ethic

So I have this new work ethic, which I exhibited this morning in all its glory. I got up at 7 am, got dressed, cleaned up the house a bit, and sat down to return some emails. At 9 am when I should have been leaving the house, I feel asleep. Missed my 10 am meeting with my boss

I could die.

So last night, I finally got this boy alone. How do I react when he kisses me? I giggle like I am 12 years old and never been kissed before. I guess it good that I establish that I am a dork right up front.

Gitty Up, Cowboy

While I was in Texas I bought myself some new boots. They are eelskin and they rock. I think they are beautiful. I am going to wear them everyday with everything.

Why I Love Texas

Off I go...

I'll write when I get back. I will miss you all.

Don't forget me.

All grown up

I am not sure when it happened but I think I am a grown up. Here is the evidence:

Making changes

I have decided to make some changes in my life after I return from my weekend away. I have no time in my life for anything but work. My dogs, my house, my friends are all getting shorted because I work all the time. I only make it to yoga once a week in a good week. I have had no time to stalk any CFOs, lawyers, or history grad students. I am forgetting to pay my bills again and I becoming dependent of drugs. I threw out all the amphetamines and sleeping pills. I think I feel like crap, because I am going through withdrawal. I not going to become one of those in at 8 and leave 5 types, but I think if I worked a reasonable 60 hours week. I can get things back under control.

I think I have been run over by a bus. I can’t remember. Maybe I just forgot to go to sleep last night.

I wish I could get a personal IV so i could cross eating and drinking off my task list.

Look!

One of my favorite authors wrote a comment on my review of her book.

Gentlemen may I have your attention

I appreciate it when you hold the door for me or let me off an elevator first (even if it is just so you can look at my ass). I always say Thank You and give you a little smile. Maybe because I live in Kentucky, where despite all its problems the men are still gentleman, or maybe I am just a bitch, but I expect a man to defer to me in pedestrian situations.

It is a terrible day today. It is snowing, but not good snow. The kind of snow you get when it is 33 degrees, messy snow. But it was not awful enough to prevent me from stopping at Starbucks this morning, it is Lemon Poppyseed Muffin Day after all. Because I am a sensible girl on days when the weather is inclement, I always wear a dress and stiletto shoes. While I did not want to ruin my shoes, I hate umbrellas. So I figured I could go the 4 feet from my car to overhang of building, then hug the building and stay dry. This is a particularly long building. On the way in, I encountered a man walking towards me, he walked out in to the wintery mix, so I didn’t have to. For his heroic deed, I rewarded him with a smile. On the way back, I was not so fortunate. I encountered a man and his moody teenage son. The man stepped out into the weather for me, but his son and I had a confrontation. This boy looked to be about 15, with his head hung down and wearing teenage wannabe goth clothing. He was not going to move. I was not going to move. I gave him a wry smile and he did not move. I continued to stare down at him amused. This lasted about 15 seconds, when his father reached around me, grabbed his son and yanked him out into the snow. I turned to the dad and gave him my best dazzling smile. We shared a moment, then I turned to go and he started berating his son.

Young man, the reason you offer women these little courtesies is that for ½ second we entertain the idea of having sex with you. You can be certain I will never have sex with you, but I might fuck your dad.

I think I may have had too much to drink last night

Evidence:
A splitting headache
That last post
My favorite pink bra is missing
Truck is wearing nail polish
Empty bottle of Jack Daniels

Fuck You Louisville

(This hate-filled diatribe does not include the nice people I have recently met, but they were going to a bar I refuse to enter due to the fact my self-esteem can not handle being the oldest woman in a bar and my personality can not take the insipidness of the crowd.)

I am beginning to believe that I have committed some wrong so heinous that God and Satan got together and decided that my punishment should begin on earth. That punishment was that I was live to in the worst fucking city on the planet. A place so void of excitement that I find myself dreaming of living in 10 x 12 shack in the artic. I have even considered a job in Idaho.

Everyone I meet here drinks a lot and I know why. When drunk Louisville seems to merely suck, as opposed to the community of torture that it truly is. People pretend to be nice, but they aren’t. They are cliquey and vicious.

Even the men who chat me up in hopes that I will fuck them can’t make themselves interesting. I am not impressed that you once stood next to Rick Pitino at a urinal. Can anyone in this armpit have a conversation that does not involve basketball? Tell me about the time you accidentally killed a stripper. Have you ever been in a Mexican Prison? I’m allergic to nature. I don’t give a fuck about your garden. Maybe if you grow poppies? Describing the size of your television only makes me think you are stupid or worse think I am stupid. I don’t fuck stupid men. Christ, after tonight, I’d even find a conversation about your car interesting.

A little warning: I hate married men. The next married man who tries to buy me a drink, I will kill. Slowly. At least prison would not be so fucking dull.

I am tired of trying to fit into your hateful city. It has been 3 years. It is obvious, I don’t fit in. You don’t want me here, so I am leaving.

Satan himself could not have good time in this city.

Extreme Makeover

I have a new favorite show on television, Extreme Makeover. They take ugly people with low self-esteem and make them into beautiful people so that other people will like them better. My favorite part is when the modest women go into the doctors office and asks to have breasts augmented a little, like from an A cup into a D. I had no idea that plastic surgeons could do so much. My surgery wish list grows every time I watch the show. I want to see Extreme Makeover 6 months later, where the women porked up again and the men have left their wives.

Oops, I did it again.

So if you tried to get a hold of me yesterday, I forgot to pay my phone bill, again, and they turned it off. I get like one phone call a week, so I did not miss my phone. It was no internet connection that drove me batty, I could not work. I had no idea what to do with myself. I ended up just taking a handful of sleeping pills and Jack Daniels, better to sleep than have to deal with my life. I paid my phone bill this morning.

Have you ever been so angry that it makes you physically ill? It is really hard to kick someone's ass when you are throwing up on them, but I guess vomitting on someone might be worse.

I am a very simple girl

I have a list of non-work things I want/need to do. Nothing would make me happier than checking off every item on this list. I believe that if I can complete this list, I may find myslef so at peace that I will join the convent early. Items listed in the order they were placed on the list.

New Babies

My cousin’s wife had the baby. I saw it this weekend. I was torn between staring at it in disgust and wanting to take it run away to foreign lands. I just wish everyone would stop talking about the damn thing. No, I don’t fucking want to hold it and stop sending me goddamn pictures.

I do not understand men at all

In the past 12 hours, I have had discussions with 4 different men on the topic “Can men have sex with a woman they dislike if she is also hot?” Apparently the answer is yes. I have even been told that a man can enter into an extended relationship with a woman whom they dislike, if she is “super hot.” Doesn’t it make you men feel icky?

I hope you will share our joy

I am pleased to announce that this afternoon I asked HereIType to enter into a civil union with me and she has accepted. We will honeymoon at small Bed and Breakfast in Ann Arbor the first week in April. Please feel free to celebrate our happiness by sending cash.

Wait a minute. Does this mean I have to pay her Law School tuition?

Letting yourself go

I admit it. I have let myself go these past few months. I have not gotten a manicure, pedicure, colored my hair, or any of the other things I use to do regularly. What was the point? But now I have less than two weeks to get myself together before go on my little trip and very little free time. But I have lost 10 pounds since I last saw this particular gentleman friend, so I hope that offsets my late start. I think I can get all this in, if I take next Wednesday off.

Underwear issues

I have heard that these tanga panties are supposed to make your butt look great. With my upcoming weekend getaway approaching and I can use a little help in that area, I order up a pair for myself. They do make my butt look good, but only if I don’t intend to wear clothes or walk. I might see if some double stick tape will help.

What is it about a man with gold teeth that I find so appealing?

How was your day?

First, thank you to everybody who sent me notes asking me about my presentation.

So how was my day? It did not totally suck. My presentation could have gone better. There was an asshole who kept attacking me over trivial matters. He was lucky I didn’t have a knife, or he would have got cut. But if I had more time to prepare, I would have been able to shut him up with my well-prepared mind, so I feel guilty. But I did get home before and was able to take the boys for a walk. Then I ate two slices of pizza and watched Flesh Hunter, nothing like pizza and porn to take your mind off the day.

Not Wasting Any Time

I just got off the phone with a Kerry fund raiser inviting me to fund raising breakfast. Kentucky Democrats love breakfast, it seems I get invited to a breakfast once a week. Normally these breakfasts run $500, but this is an extra-special $2000 breakfast. I told the lady that I’m waiting for John Kerry himself to make an appearance before I write a check. I plan to give Kerry his $2000, but I want a handshake from man himself in addition to breakfast. If I buy a man breakfast, he has to put out first.

Wish me luck

I have not had much time this week to post. Tomorrow I show to the world, or at least important members of the Louisville business community, that I am talent less hack. It takes much time to prepare to fuck up on the scale in which I expect to display tomorrow.

Another picture

Ya know how I have been making all this porn lately. Well, it has me looking at myself more often and I have developed a strong dislike for my forehead. So this evening I cut my hair. Not all of it, I just gave myself bangs. When trying to take a picture of my new bangs in order to get the opinion of my I.B., I actually managed to take a photo of myself that I don’t hate. New bangs aren’t visible, but I can’t get a photo of them that I like.

Quite simply amazed

After 3 years, I am still amazed at how my former co-workers can introduce the topic of anal sex into any conversation. Just when I start to think men can be civilized, these guys are there to remind men are pigs.

From conversations over the weekend

Did the dress work out?
No, it made me look like a cow.
Perhaps, you need a bigger size
It is a pink dress with brown splotches on it!
Well, it comes in black with white spots, too.

Who are you?
I'm Sarahspace.
Oh, that explains it.

How much is the collar in the case?
$69.95
Can he try it on?
Isn’t he the most handsome dog ever seen?
His is very good looking dog.
Can you order one for Pasha too?
Of course. Have you seen the matching leads and tags?

Why I am only attracted to women who look like me?
Do you really want me to answer that?

1:00 pm – Can we push back brunch I just woke up?
2:30 pm – Where are you?
Oh, I went back to sleep.

It is beginning to look like I’m going to have to move back to Texas to get laid.

Are you offering to be my sugar momma?
Sure

How was the date?
He seems like a nice guy.
That’s too bad.
Why does everyone keep saying that?
Because you’re a jerk. (my mom)