Annoyance #389: The Atkins Cult

I once considered becoming a heroin addict to lose weight and currently pop amphetamines like candy, so I am the last person to criticize anyone’s diet approach. If you can lose weight by following the Atkins diet, fabulous for you. However, it is not a religion and please refrain from trying to convert me.

Atkins works because you eat fewer calories, not because of any body chemistry change or Atkins magic. About 5 years ago, I cut out all carbs for three weeks, I lost 18 pounds. Why? because I ate 600 calories a day, but I could not stick to it as I hate meat. I am now on an all starch and butter diet and I lose weight, because I never eat more than 1000 calories a day. No magic.

The Atkins diet is successful, because it is easy to follow. No math is needed nor are there any complicated recipes to follow, so even the stupid can lose weight. And meat and fat are tasty, but they are not healthy. I’d rather be thin, than be healthy, so I do not need to lie to myself that my diet is healthy. If you want to be healthy you need to eat a well balanced diet and exercise, sitting on your ass eating meat and fat is not going to make you healthy. It will make you less fat, which is always better.

I understand how great it feels to lose weight and the desire to talk about it, but Atkins is becoming a cult. Be warned, I will cut the next person who tries to convert me. I do what works for me and I am not interested in your suggestions.

More than a mistress

I know I saw this in a couple of places, but I can’t remember where I live right now, so I am just going to pretend that I read it here first. Anyway, this got me thinking that if I had more time I would make a great imaginary mistress. I am not interested in being some guy’s imaginary girlfriend and have them making unreasonable pretend demands on me. It would be perfect for married men who are feeling a little restless, but do not to cheat on their wives in real life. I could send letters to their post office box or emails to their secret email address. I’d pretend to listen to them complain about their shrew wife and tell them I understand how hard it is to be such an important man. We could have IM sex after their family has gone to bed and do all the things their wife would never do. However, this might ruin my relationship with my internet boyfriend.

Good things happen to those with no lives

I may feel like crap and have not spoken to another human besides of my co-workers since Saturday morning, but I was just informed that I have received a significant raise and have been put in charge of two huge projects. I have an actual budget! I am going home to celebrate with dogs, before I work some more.

Update: The above statement is not exactly true, I did speak to a woman when I ordered chinese take-out yesterday.

My love affair with Tavis Smiley

Every morning when I drive to work, I listen to the Tavis Smiley Show on NPR. I love this show. On what other NPR show will you here the host ask the guest “If you don’t mind us getting’ up in your business”. I just found out that he has a new late night talk show on pbs. He is smart and dreamy, I can watch him before I go to sleep.

A little self-improvement

While taking some time off from obsessing about myself, I decided use the time to better myself by doing the following:

Read Plate Tectonics: An Insider's History of the Modern Theory of the Earth. I was confused on the difference between continents, oceans floors, and islands and how they all fit together. If you really think about it, it is not a simple idea.

Got my hair colored. I decided against cutting it and just updated it with a variation on my brown-purple theme.

Read Three Hundred Years of Gravitation. The whole “what is land?” thing got me thinking about what is gravity. I am not sure I believe in gravity and this book did nothing to convince me of its existence. It could have something to do the fact that I did not understand any of it.

Read more of Home Comfort: The Art and Science of Keeping House, my new manual for life. I learned how to make a bed this week and the proper way to care for my linens. However, there were no suggestions on how to get Truck smell out of a silk comforter.

Read Tall, Dark and Texan and I am a better person for it.

Had my nails done.

Finally, I read Reliability Centered Maintenance and it changed my life. It is the kind of book once you start reading, you can’t put down. Highly recommend to all.

I have returned

I never thought this would happen to me, but I am tired of talking about myself. No, let me be clear. I am tired of trying to make my boring life seem interesting, so I took a few days off from blogging to see if my life improved or if my vain self-absorption returned. Neither happened, but my motherfucking sinus infection returned, thrusting me right back into my normal pissy self. Thus I have returned.

Heartsick

My iPod died this afternoon, it was 1 year and 29 days old. I knew this was coming. I use to go three or four days without having to recharge it, recently it wouldn’t make through a work day. I listened to it in the car, everyday at work, at the gym, at home I plugged speakers into it. I loved it. Just last night, I told Catallaxy that when it died I would get new one, but I thought I had months. So I went to look at the new iPods and started thinking that should be sensible and just get the battery replaced. I went to see about getting it repaired and then it hit me, I have only had this for a year. What kind of crap product dies after a year? I have a TV that is older than I am and an iPod can’t go 13 months. I don’t want to spend the $99 to get it repaired. I certainly do not want to buy another one and those thoughts about buying an iMac. No fucking way.

Party Girls

Midlife has suggested we go to this and I thought it was a splendid idea. Of course, I checked that Paducah was not in a dry county first. Imagine the wild times to be had. Perhaps it will inspire me to clean up the sewing room and finish my quilt.

Proving that I can whine about anything

I love my new job. I stay late, work from home on nights and weekends. I even dream about work. All this work means that I am happy, which just sucks. I hate being happy. Bad things always happen when I am happy. Last time I was happy ended with one of my psychotic meltdowns, but at least that provided some entertaining blogging.

Perhaps I am ready for phase II of my plan to reach my goal of a life composed entirely of work, alcohol and dogs, thus ensuring that I never again have to endure any meaningful human interaction. Phase II just adds drinking lots of bourbon and sex with strangers to my existing life.

Making Improvements

On the way back from lunch with a friend who has worked with me nearly everyday for 2 years, I held the elevator to ask a woman in the lobby if she was going up. This action caused my friend to remark “That is the nicest thing I have ever seen you do.”

Sarahspace vs. HoHos

Walking back from lunch today I was overcome with the most powerful chocolate craving ever experience by womankind. I had a healthy lunch of mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese, but still I wanted chocolate. I went back to my desk and took a supplemental diet pill and tried to wait it out. At 2:30 I went down to the snack room thinking that I was just craving caffeine and got myself a coke. As I turned to leave, I saw them on them bottom shelf of the snack machine, HoHos. I can not remember the last time I had a Ho ho. I stared at them through the glass for what seemed like hours. Dare I get one? I spent a week doing nothing but lying in bed, so really, what is one small package of spongy chocolate cake rolled in goo and dipped in chocolate going to do to my already squishy self? I can start obsessing tomorrow, no? I reached into my pocket but only had 40 cents, not enough. Damn! I went back up and tried to take my mind of them in a short meeting, but the Hohos were still calling me. I went for a walk around the office, but the screaming in my ears kept getting louder. I finally broke. I went down to the machine, purchased my Hohos, snuck around the corner so no one would see me, opened the package liked it was Christmas morning and took a bite right there between two towers of storage. Oh god, I can not describe how disgusting it was. All that sugar and chocolate, blah.

I take one day off from solving mysteries & fighting crime and…

For years, I could not understand how people could think George II is a good president. But last night something happened that explained all to me. I prepared to watch the State of the Union Address by taking a sedative and curling up on the chaise with soft objects to hurl at the television. After about 5 minutes of watching that man talk, I felt I was in presence of evil. I fought against the evil as it tried to steal my decency, compassion and intelligence. Eventually, it grew tried of the struggle and moved on to seek easier weak-minded prey. I believe the evil came through the television and knew that I was not at my usual heightened state of alert for evil and evil-doers. I was worried about the boys, but Pasha is pure of heart and Truck is Truck, could you imagine the embarrassment of having conservative dogs. This incident opened my eyes to the truth that the Bush Administration is Satan’s representative on Earth. Be warned my friends never look them in the eye even through the TV (I think if you have cable you are okay, satellite TV I don’t know. I am not completely sure of the physics of evil transmission.) and never watch or listen to one of them when not fully able to fight off their evil. Those who are not vigilant will become on of them.

The Joys of the DVD

I had really got why DVDs were better than Tapes. Besides the could hold more and were easier to store. However, last night I was enlightened. I discovered that I could watch the beautiful and shirt-less Yul Brynner dance with the boring Deborah Kerr over and over again, while I stood on my coffee table and pretended he was dancing with me. The King & I is not my favorite Rogers & Hammerstein musical. Even if one ignores the offensiveness of the subject as our post-colonialism enlightenment demands, Deborah Kerr is awful and I hate her for ruining the movie.

Long, Short Does it matter

I cut all my fingernails off Sunday on a whim? I discovered that it is much easier and faster to type with short nails than with long nails. However, I hate the way they look and can’t decide if I should go get new nails this weekend or leave them as they are maybe just wait the three months for them to grow out. I don’t mean freakish snake lady long either, I mean 1.25 inches long. If it wasn’t for this typing thing, I go get me new nails without question. Oh, the trials in my life.

Next up, do I cut my hair?

redheaded waiters

I believe that I am on the mend; I was feeling well enough to sexually harass a waiter today. It really could not be helped, you see I have this new bizarre weakness for redheads with goatees. The worst part of this insanity is that every man I have met of this description is a weirdo. Perhaps it is the weirdo factor to which I am attracted.

Kidnapped!

My mother called on Saturday night with some strange tale that my father has been kidnapped by the Chinese government. He has been in China for the last 2 weeks on business. He has been there many times and always enjoyed his trips. He was set to come home on Sunday, but Friday morning he came down with what seems like food poisoning. On Saturday, some sort of health officials came to his hotel and insisted that he go a hospital. Before he was taken to the hospital, he called my mom. I pointed out to my mother that if he was being kidnapped that they would not allow dad to call home, but my mother overreacts to everything. The problem is that my mother has not heard from my dad since Saturday and was not on the flight home. I am actually quite concerned, not of his being kidnapped, but if he is too ill to come home, it must be quite serious. My mother can not handle this sort of crisis, which means that I have to take charge. I am used to my mother’s histrionics, but I am recovering from an illness myself and wish she would act like a mother.

More Pie Charts

I know that y’all love my pie charts, so here is how I spent my last 72 hours. I believe that I have completely recovered from my bout of Tuberculosis by lots of sleep and reading M.C. Beaton Hamish Macbeth mysteries.

It seems to be fate

I just got an email from Saks reminding me it is “Time to shop the season’s latest looks and find perfect pieces for a chic warm weather jaunt.” I found what I would like to wear while sitting on the beach in Cozumel or Grand Bahama Island. However, this is more like what I would wear, but less expensive and not wool and perhaps with sleeves. Maybe I should really go. Maybe I should just go home.

just pissy

I am in a very pissy mood today, probably because I am still feeling bad. Maybe because people keep coming and asking me to do things when all I want to do is find a place to on vacation. Maybe because I keep daydreaming about that bottle of Jack Daniels at home. Oh, that may be a bad sign.

Maybe I am not human, but the fact this child was killed does not upset me. People die every day that includes children. 12 people die from dog attacks every year. Yes, this is a terrible thing and I think irresponsible dog owners should be punished severely. I hate to see this in the news. It makes limited people overreact and more innocent dogs will be put down because of the actions of an irresponsible minority. The other thing, this is not news. What I want to see on the news is the story of the Jack Russell Terrier who mauled a 6 week old baby last year. That was news. Maybe I just pissed because I can’t get renter’s insurance because of my dogs are dangerous according to the insurance industry who continues ignore the fact that more money is spent on dog bites from Cocker Spaniels and other terriers under 25 pounds than the evil 4 breeds. But those stories don’t make the front page of Google news.

I need to get out of town

Normally I am not bothered by the 4 months of grey skies winter brings, but this year it is driving me crazy. I feel this inexplicable desire to go south. I’ve spent my morning looking at every travel website there is for a place where it is warm, sunny and can be enjoyed for less than $1500 for 3 days sometime next month. I have it narrowed down to 18 places, but in the end I probably won't go anywhere.

About to get the recognition i deserve

While I was not sleeping, I finally had the chance to read the two months worth of mail which had taken over 4 feet of the console table next to the door. I discovered that water was to be turned off if I did not make a payment by December 28 and 14 notes from the Book-of-the-Month club who miss me greatly. However, when I opened a letter from my high school, I had a feeling that my life dedicated to the service of others was about to receive a little attention.

The Alumni Association is accepting nominations for next year’s Astrolabe Award. The Astrolabe Award is given to a graduate who has in his [or her] personal, professional and family life exhibited high moral character, an individual who has continued to live by the Franciscan ideals taught to him [or her]...

I know! Is that not very description of me? Now I just need to find someone I went to high school with to nominate me. Do you think it would be unsporting if I forged a nomination letter from a classmate that I pick at random from the yearbook?

A common tale of a girl in need and her faithful dogs

I awoke this morning with the Fat Man standing over me with his giant forearms mere millimeters away from my face and Pasha Bey standing teeth bared ready to attack. In my less than optimal mental state it took me several moments to deduce what my boys were arguing over…

Last night, my coughing was annoying Truck. After pushing me several times with his paws did not get me to stop coughing, he got and went to sleep in his room on the other side of the house. Pasha immediately took up the spot Truck had vacated agin me, thus providing comfort to his ailing mother for a brief period. Pasha it seems can stay in one place for more than 3 minutes without getting restless. I fell asleep early and woke only to let boys out for their regular 4:15 am inspection of the back yard, after which both amicably curled up on either side of me. Since I decided to take the off to recover, I slept much later than normal…

Truck made a quick move to bite Pasha in the neck, but Pash was expecting it and backed down. Truck would allow Pasha nowhere near the bed, but after a few minutes Pasha was distracted from saving me by a squirel he spotted out the window. Truck was acting like a lion guarding his kill. He knew that I was weak and he was looking for a chance to take over the pack. I believe if I would have slept an hour longer, Truck would have taken a bite out of me.

People I have considered murdering today

My boring sinus infection has taken over me. I believe that it has morphed in to tuberculosis, but my doctor just gave me a more powerful antibiotic and told me to get some sleep and very nicely told me to shut up and go home. I am not really capable of writing any coherent thoughts so you just get another list.

Ali, from Living it Up

The man who kept humming and smiling in the elevator. Keep your good mood to yourself.

The man who would not stop coughing in line at starbucks.

The bitch who arrived 45 minutes early for her appointment at the doctor and caused me to wait

The pharmacist at Kroger

The owner of the black Expedition from Indiana who was driving down 2nd street at 3:05 pm today.

The unfortunate child at the market who was crying about wanting a box of twinkies.

The mother of the aforementioned child.

The woman who sneezed in the King Wok.

The host of Hollywood Squares

Mary Hart

I guess it should be noted for the record that I did not actually kill any of these people, just thought about it. However, the day is not over.

Alcohol is a very necessary article

This has been bothering me all weekend, but I am sure that I am correct. When I lived in Austin, every Saturday I would have breakfast/brunch with my friend Wendy. We did this every week for 3 years, so I consider myself quite an expert on brunch. Almost every restaurant where we ate served Bloody Marys or Mimosas, so I have come to expect these drinks at a brunch. Before Truck entered my life and I could actually invite people to my home, I never had a brunch where some alcoholic beverage was not served.

So when I was invited to a brunch on Saturday morning at a friend’s home, I asked if I could bring something and was asked to bring fresh fruit. I then asked if I should bring any alcohol for Bloody Marys or Mimosas. My friend reacted as if I had suggested hiring a stripper for a funeral. Apparently, if brought any such thing to a party before noon, people would think I was some kind drunk heathen. Perhaps I just associate with drunks, but I do not think it is unreasonable to expect alcohol to be served at brunch even it is before noon.

An Average Joe revelation

I am supposed to be working today to make up for my less than productive week, but have been procrastinating all day with shopping, napping and baking. When I finally sat down to get some work done I was distracted by Average Joe. What a horrible show! “I guess I’m going have to get to know them and not judge them by the way they look.” Hey shallow bitch, you should have learned that when you were 6. You are not worthy of any of those men. Well, maybe that David guy. But while I watched that stupid talent-less bitch condescend to those nice men, I tried to gather together all those I owed correspondence.

You know how I whine about how everyone in Louisville hates me. Well, that is not exactly true. I found 6 emails and 3 phone numbers from people whom I have met recently in the flesh and wanted to get to know me better and whom I never replied nor called. I do this all the time. I am just as awful as that superficial twit on the television. But before I end up on some creepy reality show opposite Trading Spaces that only losers without cable watch, I resolve to respond to each one of these people with a witty flirty form letter that I’ll write tomorrow instead of working.

Exploding Brains

It turns out I don't have the flu, but according to Good Morning America flu season is not over, so I still have time to catch it. I just have boring sinus infection with a massive headache. I am not convinced that headache is related to the sinus infection, but am sure that I have some sort of brain defect and my head will explode very shortly. If such an event does occur I am sure that my parents will notify HereIType and she can let you all know the gory details. For the record, all my assets go to my brother to ensure that the boys continue to live the lifestyle in which they have become accustomed. Oh, Catallaxy when my brain does explode could you go over to the house and remove all the porn and related items before my parents arrive? Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go sit in a dark room and try to avoid any stimulation that might lead to my brain exploding.

Grainy web camera photo of me

Work gave me webcam, I am not really sure why, but I have been playing with it all day. At first I was upset as I have irrational fear of cameras, then I started thinking the only way to get over my fear is to confront it. So I sent my photo to a couple of people, they seemed to think it looked alright. I will start with bad quality photo and work up to good pictures. Here it is. Sorry, but I am fully dressed.

Why I can’t do Atkins

Breakdown of calories consumed over the past 7 days.

I feel awful, maybe tomorrow I will able to entertain you with my harebrained thoughts. However, my list of things to do when I feel better is growing out of hand, so I am going to buy myself a little time.

Alice – I would love to meet Patrick.

Bob2 – Thank you for your email, but no.

Cyrano – Thank you! I owe you.

Dan & George – Lunch next week?

Kevin – I’ll call you when I am feeling better, maybe we can get a drink. Oh, you are a recovering alcoholic. Sorry, there is no way I can date you.

Jeff – Dinner and some playstation2 soon?

Larry – Lunch next week?

Phillip – Expect a reply soon.

Wendy – I got the card; it has been too long. I'll call soon.

Vanessa – I need a favor, but can’t find your email address. Could send me an email?

Who have I forgotten?

Stop licking me, I’m covered in Nyquil!

In my hope of catching the flu, I am always on the look out for symptoms. When I came home from work today, I was excited because I thought I had the right combination of symptoms to break open that bottle of Nyquil that I have been saving. I have had a headache, a rash in place that has me worried, and have been feeling a bit tired. Sound like the flu to me. So I climbed into bed with dogs, my computer and my little red bottle of magic and tried to catch up with some work, when I felt a something wet crawl down the right side of my body. Common sense is not my strong point so rolled into red sticky liquid before I realized what was going on. In the pandemonium that ensued, the boys discovered that Nyquil is tasty and I discovered Nyquil stains skin.

Ignoring Sound Advice

Last night I dragged Catallaxy(RIP) to party a guy from work was having. It was not too bad, but we left early. As we were walking out, a man that I spoke to only briefly handed me his business card and said something about how he enjoying talking with interesting people. I tried not to roll my eyes as I accepted the card, since I had said nothing to the man that not shallow or inane. Later when I looked at the card I said to Catallaxy “Oooh look, the man is wine distributor. I’d fuck him for free wine; I’d better keep the card.” Catallaxy looked at me and said “You should never repeat that anywhere.”

Might I Suggest

I am spending the day watching Ghostbusters and I think you should as well. When was the last time you saw it. It will make you smile. When Truck is bad I call him Goser the Destroyer.

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.

I am trying to be a good girl. I came into the office today so that I could get “I am working on our day off because I am so dedicated” points, but have really just been playing. Everyone else who collecting the suck-up points has left for the day and I am here all alone with the HVAC guys who are fixing the heating system in the office. They keep coming in my office to flirt when their boss leaves, one is really hot and the other is okay looking, but funny.

Their boss has just gone home for the day, so do I have a “Letter to Penthouse” moment or do I go home? What do I do? Oh, I am not sure. Is it wrong to have sex with two strangers at work? I think it is okay; there was nothing in the employee handbook about it. I am going to go talk to them to see what they think.

Yipeee

I just found out they are building a Whole Foods right next door to my favorite Taco Bell