About 3 months ago, several people who know me well called me out on the lies that I have been telling myself and everyone else for the past few years. They pointed out the lame excuses I have been telling everyone about why I stay in Louisville. I have no career; I just have jobs. The ability to make database queries run really fast is not something that I want to build my life around. My attraction to men who don’t like me is no longer amusing, but pathetic and tiresome. My preference for my own company has only isolated me and allowed me to justify my self-destruction. Now, I have heard all this before, but for some reason this time it stuck and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. Since then I have lost weight, kept my house clean, balanced my checkbook, spent most of my work time working, and been generally more focused than I have ever been.

When I was in high school and college, I fancied myself something of an artist. I toted my paints and brushes with me through my many moves ignoring them so that I could focus on sham of a career. After my reality check, I got the brushes out again and bought new paint, but I was no longer comfortable with them. It occurred to me that I am much more comfortable with fabric and thread. So every night, I go home and have been creating (what I consider to be) art with the hundreds of yards fabric I have collected in my sewing room. For some time I have been making quilts and other little sewing projects, but now I am working with dyes, paint, metals and plastics. I put down special carpet so that Truck can sleep at my feet (Pasha prefers to be outside keeping the squirrels away) and work much too late into the night. And much to my own surprise, I am actually happy.

I have no plans to quit my job and become a starving artist, because my day job allows me to buy whatever I want in support of my new creative outlet. Also I need a better sewing machine and I could have bought a new Saturn for less than a good German sewing machine costs these days. In my own head, I consider myself a dog mom and a fiber artist. Of course, I have not said this out loud to anyone. So while I still enjoy my work, I no longer feel a need to over-achieve at work. If get promoted at work my life not change in any way.

All of this has given me a confidence in my future that has been lacking for many years. I know that I have some hard decisions still ahead of me, but I am not ignoring them anymore.