Momma is not a good driver and appreciates the offer of assistance, but it is difficult to drive when a large beast is in your lap. Everyone must stay in his assigned seat.

As you both are underage, you are not allowed partake in the drinking of bourbon, even if momma falls asleep and the bottle is on the floor.

Momma is uncomfortable in the presence of penises and therefore they should be kept from sight at all times.

When you kill an innocent creature outside, you are not permitted to bring the torn remains inside to show momma, especially if she is still abed.

When Momma is kissing a boy, like the tree man (who never called), you are not run at full speed into his side knocking him into the kitchen cabinets. I know you are playing, but sometimes your beautiful smiles are taken for a snarls.

And for Christ’s sake, stay off the goddamn coffee table!